Friendship

 

 

 

Friendships are important in life.  Casual friends can be fun to do mutually-interest-based things with, and while not necessary or always, can grow into dear friends.  The dearest of friends have seen me through tough, painful times as well as shared some of the silliest shenanigans and belly laughs. “Remember when we…” is enough to set us snickering and remembering together. I have learned, through the years, that the dearest of friendships can shift and change; fall dormant. Living far away. Growing into different people than we were. Raising children.  Demanding jobs.  Retiring.

As a child, I was shy.  (I feel I need to explore this, but another time.) But in the way of younger childhood, I had neighborhood friends. I lost them and found others in new neighborhoods – we moved frequently with my dad’s job… never to another state, but it was hard for children to maintain contact when children being on the phone was not the norm, and ‘toll calls’ still existed.   In adolescence there were school friends and youth group friends from church. Attending more than one high school meant losing one batch and forming another smaller batch.  It was difficult, being a new classmate in a large school with teens who had been in school together since kindergarten hitting the junior year.  I have one friend from high school that I’m still in touch with.  We live several states apart these last decades, and I think we are still friends out of habit, but we continue on. Another I met as a (barely) adult, and we’ve been dear friends for nearly fifty years; distance makes no difference.

I’ve lived in the same area for thirty-seven years now, and have friendships made in adulthood that have lasted for decades; I sometimes marvel at it. The last several years I’ve given more thought to friendships, learned to nurture them more.  Of course, I wish I’d recognized this sooner, but changing the past is not in my scope of power.

For a year or so, I’ve been reaching out and looking at renewing dormant friendships, along with looking to make new friendships.  My current local friend list is not meeting my needs, though I love the people on that list. They will remain my friends, but I spend much less time with them.  It works for me, and for them as well, I’m sure, as I’ve heard no complaints.  As previously mentioned, friendships shift and change for a variety of reasons.

A friend I’ve known for several years is still a friend, but I’ve come to see that we are breakfast or coffee friends.  She will not take short road trips, go to a museum for the afternoon, take in a movie.  Unless I strongly steer the conversations here and there, we spend more than half of our chats with me hearing things better reserved for her therapist. In any true friendship, of course we share our lives and support one another.  But a steady diet of it as sixty percent of the conversation is too much for me.  Negativity and curmudgeonly conversation wear me down quickly.  We all have times when we’re down, or feel angry about a circumstance.  A couple of my friends have always had these tendencies, but as we age, I notice it more and have less patience when it is the go-to conversation. I get it; I’ve been through some stuff.  But I enjoy being happy, finding joy where I can.  I’ll always be their friend, but the amount of time I spend with them needs to be limited.  I can’t imagine a road trip with them.

Thinking through friendships over my life, I’ve realized that I became friends with people who chose me, befriended me for the most part.  (That’s how I acquired two ex-husbands, another issue for another day.)  I’ve not always been sure why they befriended me, but I’ve been grateful. Through life I’ve worked on the shyness and conquered it for the most part. But honestly, I’d rather give a presentation in a packed venue than make small talk in a room with ten people I don’t know. 

Of course, I must think about whether I’m a good friend to others.  For the most part, I believe I am. I’ve recognized my weakness in being a good friend and continue to actively work at it.  My long-time friends make comments about my faithfulness and caring in friendship, so I know I get some of it right. I have not always been a consciously good friend who puts in the work to nurture and sustain a friendship, but in recent years I have, finally understanding that it is necessary. 

I can't find my tribe until I better understand who I am. What I enjoy as habit and hobby and lifestyle. At sixty-eight, I ‘should’ know these things, have the hobbies and things I love.  But I don’t, not enough. I love to read; always have. I apparently made myself into someone who took care of everyone else. Worked hard. Served hard at church. Was responsible.   Yes, I had friends and fun and laughed.  But except for the reading, I was always happy to join in with what they wanted to do. I didn’t make time to invest in myself with learning and acquiring activities that brought me joy.

I worked hard as a divorced mom with a career and no child support. There was never quite enough money or time.  Bringing up a child alone, then caring for her as a young adult through a catastrophic illness that lasted several years and almost took her from me, I continued to work hard at my career. Most of my friendships went by the wayside; I didn’t have the energy and they didn’t have the ability to walk through that hard time with me. A very few stuck it out. I retired early and helped care for my mom through dementia for several years until she passed.  Helped my dad as needed until he also passed.  Took care of the family trust, which took a couple of years and was brutal.  And then, suddenly I was free to do what I wanted.  Except I didn’t know for sure exactly what those things might be.  And I caught myself falling into trying to fill myself up with caring for yet more people.  Thankfully I did not slip down that slope. I’m fighting it.

What do I want to do?  I’m thinking about it, exploring a little.  It will take a bit of time, but I intend to enjoy my life.  There is much less before me than behind and I don’t want to waste it, regret at the end that I missed out.

What do I want in a friend?  Still figuring that out, too.  Whether for an activity friend or a dear friend I would like people who are on the sunnier side of the street more than not.  Who want to enjoy trying a new thing or two.  Who do not need me to be a quasi-therapist but are true and equal friends … quirks and all.  And for the past little bit have actively been the one reaching out to others to explore friendship.

This is soooo long; if you’re still here you’ll be surprised to hear that when I started typing this I wasn’t sure I could even pour enough out of my head and onto the page to be much of a blog entry. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendships and learning to live a fuller life at a not-young age.