Why TheThoughtsComingOutofMyHead?

 

I wrote this particular entry a little over a year ago, using a different blogging name, and posted it elsewhere on a site which carried better privacy protection, but ultimately was above my tech-savvy-ability level.  

Why TheThoughtsComingOutofMyHead?

I have realized for a while that a great deal of my life is lived inside my head.  Is this a problem? No.  Yes.  At the same time.

No, not a problem. I enjoy thinking.  I’m rarely bored, as I think about things, make up scenarios, entertain wild flights of imagination and drama, have conversations with myself in my head … thoughts springing from a song on the radio, speculation based on what I observe around me at any given time. I think about characters from books and movies and what they might do differently, how they are carrying on after the story’s end. I make up stories in my head, rarely completed or put on paper or computer.

Being a thinker, I think: It could be rewarding to converse with another person about some of these things.  Why don’t I? How could I make this happen? Book club? (I tried one book club, and it was not a fit for me but possibly.)  A movie-watching and discussion group? Hmm.  Maybe so. I’ll have to give it more thought.  I don’t want to rush into anything just now.  (More about this later or another time. Or maybe never...)

Yes, either a problem or a sign of one.  Some of the thoughts and conversations in my head are not of the happy and entertaining variety.  Rehashing things from my real life past that wounded.  Fabricating various stories in my head which are guaranteed to contain the following elements:  someone wronging/victimizing me; ultimately making them sorry. (Yep, issues and trauma damage that need to be faced, healed, and left behind, now that I ‘have the time’. Too bad I didn’t make the time decades ago, but whatever.)

Why am I experimenting with blogging?  I’m feeling a bit stuck in my life just now and want to figure it out and move on joyfully.  I’m at a point where I do not have to take care of anyone anymore. I’m retired, so have time to do the things I enjoy once I figure out what they are. I have more of my life behind me than ahead of me and do not want to waste any of it hanging back or being stuck.  Yes, I am speaking with a therapist short-term; hard work but I’m willing to work for living a life I enjoy more completely and freely. She suggested possibly blogging about an area of interest I mentioned to her (more about that another time).

Circling back: Why choose the name TheThoughtsComingOutofMyHead for my blog?  Once I gave real thought to blogging, I recognized I want to break out of the reserved/shy mode; take a lot of that stuff out of my head and talk about it out loud.   I may be the only one that reads my blogs.  And if so, okay, it will help me process my own journey and I’ll enjoy the writing.

So, a little time has passed.  My time with the therapist has been difficult but worth it. More painful than I could have anticipated.  The growth, healing and freedom to be myself unapologetically is more than the pain of the process. I am close to finished with therapy, but the insights and tools will stand me in good stead in an ongoing fashion.